Personal Absolution

I am watching my mother die as I write this post.  I don't say that to seek the solace of you dear reader, but simply because it is true.  Further, because it is the setting in which I have been this past week and in which I have become aware of the fact that to a greater or a lesser degree, we all seek absolution for the wrongs of our past.

Absolution, synonomous with pardon, amnesty, forgiveness, remission, remittal, meaning the forgiveness specifically of one's sins, usually granted by a priest.  Absolution, whether we define it in the clerical sense or not is something that we all crave.

My mother has been cursed with a slow death, and she has been blessed with enough time that she can set right all that is pending with other people.  For other people who sense that they have unresolved matters with my mother (myself having been one of them) this time of her slow passing has presented a window of opportunity to seek absolution with her and to bring everything to a close while she is still alive.

As I have watched my mother slowly spiral towards her final rest, I have made the observation that I want to die differently than her if I can.  I want to go quickly, in the blink of an eye so that my children do not have to help me to the toilet and eventually to help me to my bed and to wash me and care for me.  I want to go from a heart attack while I am climbing a hill, or hiking a mountain trail.  I am afraid that I am doomed by my genetics to live a long life and suffer a slow death.  Of course, we do not have the luxury of both choosing how we go, and dying a natural death.   I am destined to die on the schedule defined for me by the universe or by God, or by what ever power you feel runs your universe, and so I am faced with the need for personal absolution.

Personal absolution; the idea that we can give ourselves the gift of forgiveness when we are truly sorry for our errors and we accept credit for our failures.  Personal...  Because it is a condition that comes upon us simply by our own actions and not by the actions or words or deeds or rites or any other devices of another person or congregation or gathering of people.  Absolution... because once done, we are completely and finally absolved of the emotional burden encumbered unto us by the offense in the first place.  This should not be confused with bearing no responsibility for our actions and the impacts there of.  I speak only of guilt when I speak of personal absolution.

This act of personal absolution; it can be as grand as the repayment of debts; as small as voicing a heart felt and sincere apology for a failure or an offense.  Personal absolution is simply the action taken by a person to be responsible for the errors that they have made, and to the best of their ability to make them as right as possible.

These days I find myself seeking personal absolution at every opportunity.  Because I may not have the luxury of a slow death with lots of time to make things right.  Every day I try to make things right so that there is no more debt, no more regret, no more baggage holding me back.

Personal absolution is a gift that I give myself every day by accepting my errors and doing everything that is within my powers to correct them.